OK: the mud run. First of all, Tamra totally sold Heather a bill of shiitake because there are about 50 people participating in this, not 50,000. Second, is there a purpose to this? I would be all down with getting muddy and tired for charity, but this appears to be a chance to get muddy and tired with 7 Bravolebrities, and thus the 50-person turnout. I think that we and the Dubrows got totally duped. Regardless, here they are in their “cute t-shirts”. For Team Tamra: we have the Big Boy (Ryan), the Boy Toy (Eddie), and the Cougar. Well named, Tamra, well named. For Team Dubrow we have Fancy Pants (Heather) and Dr. 92660 (Terry) – why? Because he was once on another reality series about plastic surgery. Yeah, this isn’t their first rodeo either. For Team Magical Penis we have Naked Wasted (Gretch) and Comic (MPM), and their shirts are homemade with Sharpie so at least no funds have been diverted from care of a minor for this recreational purpose. Together, they are: TEAM OC! WOO-HOO, as Vic would say.
The race begins, and our Bravolebrities are immediately pace-set by a joyous, drunk, mud-caked zaftig young gal who has no problem letting it all hang out for the TV. You go, girl! Team OC makes it through the first mud puddle reasonably agreeable, but after the second obstacle Gretch has twisted her delicate ankle and has to be removed from the course before she jeopardizes her career as a Pussy. Do you see that Denny’s sign behind her? I’ve been to that Del Mar Denny’s! In fact I was there just at last year’s spring break, accompanied by five children between the ages of 15 months and 6 ½ years and my grief-stricken mother, and I have to say that was the best meal we had on the entire Southern California coast, I kid you not. Half the kids got pancakes, we all had French fries with ranch, and the special was a bacon milkshake. I think our total bill was $12. Bon appetit mes frères! We may have to stop back this coming week.
Taking a break from the mud, let’s check in with Assy who’s getting her nose cast off. She’s clutching the nurse’s hand and making a real ass of herself, no pun intended. The last time my dad broke his nose playing rugby and had it set by my friend’s plastic-surgeon dad, he went to a Bears game not long after and accidentally snuffled some of the packing down his sinus while cheering overexuberantly. Not a pleasant state of affairs, but he made it through the game and some time thereafter. Assy, in my opinion, is a pansy. And for that matter the honker looks pretty much the same. She thinks it will be much better for Fox 5 purposes but I can’t tell any difference. At least it’s not a Jennifer Grey deal, I’ll give her that.
Back to the mud: Heather is being quite the trooper in her skirt, I tell you! She’s unfazed by mud after eight years of diapers. Amen, my friend! Eddie dislocates a finger and it is so gross. That happened to me in 7th grade gym – dodgeball – and by the time I reached the nurse’s office and saw my little finger sticking out at a right angle I passed out and needed smelling salts. High-pitched voice notwithstanding, that Eddie is a bad mammajamma, like my favorite Bravolebrity, Zoila. Tamra self-describes as a “boy with a vagina”. Match made in heaven.
Done with the mud, Team OC is hungry! May I suggest the Denny’s, and the bacon milkshake? Kids under 5 eat free! The injured roll up and compare the damage, and at least Gretch has the self-awareness to acknowledge that her ankle roll is nothing compared to Eddie’s diverging limb. The MPM tries to distract Eddie from the pain with talk of bike rides and solitude. They both find 50-60 miles Ramonavives them right up, but only Slade, yes that wonderful amazing accomplished yet useless Slade, rode professionally. In the Tour de France no less! 1993! He almost didn’t graduate from high school for all his accomplishments, and was in residence at the OTC (that’s “Olympic Training Center” to you plebeians) in Colorado Springs when I was in the area for my undergraduate studies. Phew! What a close call with greatness! And now look at that – no job, does nothing with his life, at least that’s what Tammy says. Retirement is sweet, I guess.
Let’s get back to Vic, who is skipping the mudpacking and dining at the Bluewater Grill with Donn2, who is an “entrepreneur/consultant”. Discuss. Donn2 is only in California every few weeks but is “mentally in OC all the time”, especially now that the cameras are here. He’s “never been happier – more secure – more challenged” – and by the way, he loves Vicki. It’s so heartfelt, Vic bursts into tears from guilt over being happy.
But Donn2 is proud of Vic for not settling. Vic misses her daddy, but Donn2 thinks God works in mysterious ways and sent Donn2 to solve her daddy needs. I feel sick. Until Donn2 tell Vic that he wants to flip the table over – Housewives-style – and “bed her” right there. I hold my breath. Vic avers like the heroine in a romance novel, pleading, “I don’t like PDA.” Donn2 shouts “GIVE IT TO ME NOW!” “You control yourself,” Vic breathes. And then she gives in and plunges forward for the kiss, with tongue action, and I vomit in my son’s fire helmet. God, this has been a long night.
The sun rises in the OC and it’s Divorce Monday for Tammy Faye. She shovels in a container of yogurt with her shades on, then rolls to her lawyer’s office in her white BMW convertible, ironically the same model as the one my domestic-relations-lawyer colleague drives! Color too! Unlike my colleague, Tammy Faye is wearing hooker shoes and a cheap-ass shirt that appears to have drawstring pulls to enable it to adjust to fit sizes 0-26XX. Her teenage lawyer arrives just as TF is having second thoughts. Is it about what she’s doing to the kids, breaking up the nuclear family? Regret over the happy times she spent as Mrs. Simon Barney? Or about the fact that she has decided to waive spousal support and venture off on her own? She’s cutting all ties, our Tamra Sue Barney. 15 years, 3 kids, and not all bad come to an end with one signature. There are tears, and there should be. It’s a lot of life to change.
Next time: Assy and Jumbolino have a weird interaction about her being “of his flesh” since they married, and how this relates to her TV jobette. Gretchen croons “When It’s Time For Change” like Peter Brady. Tamra loses the Tamrassets – will she have her mojo without them? And that chick Sarah who Gretch brought to the crawfish boil is a looney tune. Happy Easter to you, chickadees.
Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/thislittlemama
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/This-Little-Mama/245392435770