With dear Assy gone, the remaining four frolic on the beach like the fancy-free kittens they are. Heather is avoiding excessive sun exposure in a black coverup and large black hat – a smart packer can pick 8 key pieces and mix it all up with accessories to last a whole week! Gretch and Tammy Faye are both wearing their best fedoras and teeny-weeny bikinis, Gretch’s pink-and-green lingerie inspired, and Tammy’s leopard. Meow! Vic is in a big black age-appropriate skirted mom bikini from Lands End. Soon Tamra and Gretch start depantsing each other, giving Heather wet willies, tickling and steamrolling, and flashing boobies. Heather and Vic are mortified, and so am I. There is nothing hot about this – it’s like when MTV used to broadcast spring break and all these drunk bloated coeds would be letting it all hang out, giving the camera their best “sexy” in hopes of getting onto one of the icky competition events. Embarrassing. I think Simon may have had a legitimate point about this sort of thing.
And then, suddenly, herds of monkeys emerge from the jungle and start demanding bananas. There’s about ten of them! One is all raised up on his hackles like a furious cat and going after Gretch, who feeds him a banana from her hand! The monkey takes the banana, screams, drops it, picks it up again and races off. Take me with you, monkey!
That’s it for the picnic. On their way back to the resort, Johan takes them to some eco-tourism spot where they are to plant baby trees and reforest the depleting rain forest. It’s a PSA of sorts. Tammy Faye picks a stinking toe tree in honor of Eddie. Heather picks a treelet with four leaves in honor of her four kids. Vic picks a rain tree and starts to cry because this is their legacy! The other gals think she is making a little too much of all this, but no, they will now all be intertwined in nature – but what will happen when one of them DIE? No need to panic, says Heather – they are creating photosynthesis! It’s all good! That Heather, she’s so calming and rational and knowledgeable about botany.
The final day finally dawns and the final three are off for some whitewater rafting. Tamra is wearing the usual watersports headgear of a leopard print cap with a sparkly cross. Gretch has big diamond studs on – weren’t they bitching out Assy the other day for wearing big sparkly stuff in the rain forest? And wasn’t everyone all mad about the big “H’ word, hypocrisy? Hmmm? Vic’s wearing her brown Rambo bandanna again and bossing around the staff. Heather really doesn’t want to do this, but in the end it’s Vic who has a total panic attack. She is yelling and screaming, the ladies are swearing and paddling furiously, they are slamming into rocks, and yet there’s a lone kayaker effortlessly making his way upstream right alongside them. Interesting. Vic arrives downstream exhausted, crying, and shaken, and I am wondering whether she’s on Prednisone she’s so puffy. It’s time for Heather to leave and off she goes to the airport, wet as an angry cat. Adios! I feel for the person who had to sit next to her on the plane because I am sure she’s fragrant.
And then there were three. Vic, Gretch, and Tammy retreat to a local bar for a beer, and the two younger gals look tidy and glowing in matching pink workout jackets, while Vic, who is not wearing a bra and needs it, looks like she just got pulled out of a washing machine. And now she’s crying again, this time about how worried she is that Donn1 is going to be lonely without her. He’ll miss her cooking, even though it’s been ten years since she’s picked up a spoon. Honey, I am happy to say that Donn1 is doing JUST FINE at Paradise Acres or whatever the sex club is called, no need for alarm. Vic says she’d go back if Donn1 wanted her, but not really – she just doesn’t want to be married for the third time. She has two failed marriages, and meanwhile her daughter just eloped, and her anxiety about that whole thing does make a bit more sense taken in the context that she doesn’t want Briana charging down the same bumpy path Vic built her house on. But things are looking up for our Vic – in addition to being in love with Donn2, she actually likes him and has fun with him, and he even goes with her to get her nails done and tells her what colors to do because he likes her toes and fingers to match. Tamra is appalled.
Next week: Vic’s getting Donn2 some new chompers! Egads, missing teeth is a nonstarter for me, personally. Assy is covering breaking swimwear news, Eddie surprises Tamra with a trip to Bora Bora, and Gretch tells the Magical Penis that she doesn’t want him to assist her anymore. Without her he’s NUFFING! Rock chalk, peacocks!
Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
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