Anyway: Briana and Ryan are living in Vic’s brown house with Vic and Donn1, who yes, is still living there in his own private wing or something. Mike has moved out, and Donn2 does not set foot on the premises. Vic insists it’s all normal and fine. Briana doesn’t think it’s normal, but it’s definitely fine. (It should be noted that Ryan is being deployed to Afghanistan again a month or two after the baby’s due date, so I agree this is a smart arrangement.) Mr. Andy asks Vic whether she’s thought about the load of shiitake she gave Jeana for letting Mr. Keough continue to live in her house after they were split up; Vic says this is different because the house is huge and she needs Donn1 to contribute to the mortgage. Whereas Jeana’s house was so much smaller and Mr. Keough didn’t work so she should have handed him a cardboard box and dropped him off on the corner? Anyway, Vic wasn’t thrilled about the pregnancy at first, but obviously she’s now on board and the baby is a boy who will be named Troy.
They talk about the Vegas wedding, which Briana wanted to be “an honest moment” between herself and Ryan on the day that they decided they wanted to make a lifetime commitment. I have a lot of respect for that, and for God’s sake how many times did my parents tell me they wish I’d just eloped? Vic did throw (and pay for all by herself, she points out) a “real wedding” with 50 guests who were all family… except for Donn2, who was Vic’s guest which Briana tolerated.
So what’s the deal with that? Well: Briana doesn’t have any relationship with Donn2. She thinks he’s in love with Vicki of The Real Housewives of Orange County, and that his appearance at Heather’s party was his way of claiming her and “peeing on his territory”. This criticism is not meant as an attack – she just doesn’t like him, and he doesn’t make eye contact with her. “He doesn’t know he is the guest,” she says. She says conversation with him is not “honest”: when she asks him what he does for work, he says he is an “entrepreneur, with four cars and five houses.” Sounds pretty pimpy to me, too.
What does Tammy think? The same thing – that he’s in love with the celebrity (such as it is) and the lifestyle (such as it is). Briana pipes up that Donn2 outed her pregnancy AND her (re-)marriage on a radio show! Ermagherd. Briana says he “regurgitates lines from the show” and insists he won’t be in the same room with her because he “doesn’t like her honesty”. Vic says he just doesn’t like conflict. Oh, obviously.
So did Tammy influence Briana? Definitely not, says Briana – all Tammy did was validate her fears and confirm that she isn’t just an angry daughter. I mean, really: Briana is all of what? 24? 26? I’m sorry, but just because you are technically an adult doesn’t mean you stop needing a parent – ever – and if yours is absent it’s really nice to have a replacement. It seems to me Briana has a lot of people who care about her. #teambriana!
Vic thinks this all isn’t fair because Donn2 isn’t here, but Briana points out that Donn2 didn’t WANT to be here to have this very conversation. Briana thinks yes, a man could take advantage of her mother, and Donn2 is. Or has been for a long time, because Briana reminds us that she KNOWS Donn2 has been “around a long time”. The other couch starts to twitter and Vic hisses at Briana to “shut up”. So Briana proceeds to blurt that Donn1 had been having an affair for 20 years. OH YES. Vic confirms it. So basically: Vic was basically a child bride to someone she has said was a drug addict, having lost her prom date with the nice ass, had two babies, got divorced, took up with Donn1, and then was married for however long while he had a piece on the side. And we’re supposed to trust your judgment about men? As Heather would say, oh my.
Vic decides to divert attention by accusing Tammy of dating Eddie while she was married, which Tammy points out she well knows is technically correct because they were married BUT separated with divorce proceedings initiated. This was a massive miscalculation on Vic’s part, it seems, because Tammy retorts by asking Vic if she wants her to tell everyone about what happened after Tammy left Cabo (the trip when Vic, pre-divorce, was in the hot tub with someone who may have been Donn2?)? How Vic called her the next morning and reported that she had woken up naked and drunk next to some man? A whole lot of swearing on the fetus follows. Vic feigns appalled. I think if that drunk man wasn’t Donn2 there’s a very embarrassed gentleman someplace who will not be owning up to this detour.
Mr. Andy notices that Gretch is hopping up and down on the couch like she either has something to say or is stifling a fart, so he calls on her. She’s mad that Vic accuses everyone else of doing the same thing she goes ahead and does herself… she accused Gretchen of having an affair when she didn’t, but then it seems Vic herself has been creative about the blurry lines of marital fidelity and pending divorce, at a minimum. Gretch and Tammy again go after Vic for her hypocrisy, and how she just doesn’t get that she’s very hard on people for the very same things she does herself. “For a smart woman, you just don’t get it,” they chime in unison. “Just because someone says something doesn’t make it true,” replies Vic. “I’ve been saying that for three years,” chirps Gretch. Sha-ZAM! Briana translates it in nursery school terms to her mother, explaining that Vic is just supposed to own her actions and drop it, stop pointing the finger at others. “Am I making sense?” she asks Mr. Andy. “Honey, in seven years of this, you have never not made sense,” he replies. #teambriana!
So to close: Heather had fun, Assy did not, Gretch had a hard season but is excited about the future, Tammy made a friend and may have lost one, and Vic is confused, scared, and her life is under construction. Cheers, babies!
Thanks so much for weathering another season with me – come visit me at www.thislittlemama.com so we don’t have to miss each other! It’s been real, cockatiel!
Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/thislittlemama
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/This-Little-Mama/245392435770