We’re back at Vic’s brown house, and Assy is coming by to inspect Baby Troy, attired in a denim vest over a pink strapless dress. I think I have said this before but why wear a denim vest? Especially with no sleeves underneath? It’s just so Billy Ray Cyrus. The last time I saw someone wearing one it was the Mr. Clean grandpa in my neighborhood who wears one every day to pick his granddaughter up at the school bus. All he’s missing is a hoop earring (or a mullet, I guess).
Anyway, Assy walks in the door and the baby starts shrieking in terror immediately. She descends on the squalling infant in a cloud of hairspray and perfume and presents Briana with what this baby really needs: a sleeper bedazzled with the Gucci logo. Like it’s really Gucci, and like a mustard squirter really needs that. Carter’s, people! Just One Year!
Assy has also brought lunch, so the ladies and baby Troy head downstairs for salads and chitchat. Assy asks about the living arrangements and both Briana and Vic offer that the Culbertsons are contributing rent and utilities. I am slightly surprised Vic is acting as Grandmammy Landlord, but it keeps the playing field level so it’s probably money well spent. Assy wants to know how Donn2 is, and Vic says she hasn’t seen him in six weeks… surprising news to Assy, who thought it was less than six weeks ago that they all went out to dinner. Busted! Anyway, Briana interjects that as long as she’s in the house as a rent-paying tenant, Donn2 is not to be on the premises. Briana wishes her mother would find “a good guy”, like oh, maybe Donn1? Vic wishes her family could be as supportive of her tank-filling, brought-to-you-by-Hallmark romance as the Jumbellinos and the Dubrows have been, but they are not, therefore she has temporarily set Donn2 and his greeting cards aside for her daughter. The price we pay…
Speaking of the Dubrows, Heather is swinging by Dr. Terry’s office to casually draw new castmember Lydia McLaughlin into the plotline. Lydia is supposedly friends with someone else Heather knows named Casey, and through this mysterious Casey has come to the Dubrows in search of an Orange County home to feature in her fancy magazine, Beverly Hills Lifestyle. So what does Dr. Terry think? Well, this feature is a feature, but it’s not a cover story, so the Dubrows think there’s nothing in it for them. I can’t understand wanting to have your privacy invaded by ANY article about your home in any magazine, cover or not, but perhaps this is part of the Dubrow plan to unload the Chateau without a formal listing hence the desire for cover exposure and increased claims to fame. I am sure in Southern California having had your home featured on the cover of such a magazine as Beverly Hills Lifestyle is a major selling point.
Meanwhile, those goofy gals Gretch and Tammy are at some baby boutique picking out gifts for Baby Troy. They are both in sparkly grey tops and have their hair in matching ponytails, the dorks. There’s much horsing around over the idea of Gretch getting knocked up, playing around with the maternity mannequin and racing around the store with a baby doll in a Baby Bjorn, pushing a stroller. The store clerk seems seriously irritated. Tammy thinks Gretch’s idea of becoming a parent is a wee bit absurd; Gretch’s life revolves around Gretch, and there’s no room for a baby. All too true.
Back to Vic and Briana and the Donn2 detente, as Briana swings by Mom’s office to show us that Vic is a big professional girl don’t forget. It seems that the original plan of moving the Family Culbertson into the brown house was in anticipation of Ryan being deployed, but now it looks like that’s not going to happen so what’s next? Briana tells us that Vic can claim she’s not with Donn2 until she’s blue in the face but everyone knows she’s whispering sweet nothings to him in the bathroom all day and behind her closed bedroom door all night (gross). Briana says she will never want to be around him, the end. Vic asks her how she would react if the shoe was on the other foot and Vic staked out the same position about Ryan. Briana wisely points out that as she hasn’t put her family through two divorces she just doesn’t wear the same size shoe as Vic. Vic asks if it might be okay if Donn2 comes over while Briana is upstairs, a proposal Briana shoots down instantly. If Donn2 comes over, Briana is out. Period. I admire her resolve.
The OC funnytime Sanford & Son music comes on to introduce Lydia to us at Chateau Dubrow. By all appearances Lydia seems to be 14 years old, and she’s a hugger, two facts that throw our Heather off her game entirely. Lydia admires the Chateau and Heather immediately starts negotiating for the cover; Lydia’s husband is in charge of the cover shoots, she says, so she’ll have to punt it over to him. So now what will we talk about? Well, it seems Lydia’s mom is one of Dr. Terry’s patients! How about that for coincidence? Also, Lydia’s friend Alexis Bellino “was” a friend of Heather’s. Screeching halt before Heather decides to excuse this as a lapse in judgment saved by the fact that Puberty Lydia is also friends with the mysterious Casey.
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