Now that Vic’s peed the bed and a Mexican stripper poked his dingus in Tammy’s ear I think we all know things are downhill from here. No Housewife can maintain that level of mayhem and absurdity, but let’s hope the season doesn’t fizzle out, right? We resume with Jem zipping down the freeway in her cute little Mercedes, wearing a leopard print jacket and phoning up her girl Heather. It seems Jem is planning a salsa party, because she loves costumes and dressing up and unicorns, fairies, and rainbows, and is trying to talk Heather into coming because Heather doesn’t want to go if Assy is going to be there. Heather just doesn’t want to enable a “situation”. Jem, who will soon be nominated for a Nobel for her work here, wants to facilitate a “sit down” where Assy and Heather can hash out their differences and agree to get along. Heather thinks Jem is “missing a lot of history”, which is what they all say, but agrees to give it a go. Heather hopes they will have a mature, intelligent, reasonable conversation. Good luck with that.
At the Wines By Wives office, Tammy is typing away on her official WbW laptop, no doubt tweeting about her next cleanse, when Vic arrives with the box of the first official Wines by Wives. Tammy’s personal label reads “Too Good To Throw”, and Vic’s is “Work Hard Play Harder”. Cheez. They get to chatting about the upcoming salsa party and how well theme parties tend to go with this group, such as last year’s 80’s party when Gretch went monkey crazy on Vic about the Hypocrisy. “Gretchen is like dirt under my fingernails,” says Vic. Well, get a brush! Tammy agrees that when it comes to Gretch, everything is Gretchen Gretchen Gretchen. She’s very self-centered and Tammy accepts that about her. Is that any way to talk about a friend? I don’t think so, and neither does Vic who senses cracks developing in the relationship. In other news, Vic is not bringing Donn2 to this event. She just doesn’t know what’s happening with them, but Tammy asks that if/when they are all trapped in a closet together Vic not allow Donn2 to get involved in Tammy and Vic’s “bickering”. They can work their own shit out just fine. Done and done.
Time for tea with Heather and Assy, and they are back at that funky little hippie tea shop where Assy “does” bananas. Uh huh. First thing Assy wants to know is what are they doing here. Well, Heather thinks it’s ridiculous that they can’t get along, because Ms. Fancypants is really above this sort of thing, which makes it totally absurd that she’s on this show in the first place. Plus Jem wants them both at the party so they need to agree to dial it off before the rhythm gets them. Assy says she came to Tammy’s party to make peace, but Heather doesn’t think so. Well, Tammy thought so, so Assy mentally decides Heather’s just wrong and lets that go. However, she does think Heather speaks down to a lot of people. Heather is APPALLED but Assy sticks to her guns and I am sort of cheering for her because she’s sort of right. Sort of. Really Heather just talks smarter which isn’t the same thing, but maybe she should take note of her audience, if only for her own sake. For her part, Heather thinks that Assy pulled Heather into a fight she didn’t want to be part of, which is true, and that there’s “no accountability” from our Assy. Sounds about right. Regardless, these two are weary of this whole fiasco and agree to move on and be civil. Assy hopes Heather means it, and Heather hopes Assy does too. Don’t we all.
Over at Gretch’s, her mother Brenda is visiting. Brenda is small, blonde, and attractive, and I am getting confused over all these parents and steps Gretch and Shady Slade have going on. So hard to keep track. Gretch spares Mom the details of their Mexican frolic, but does fill her in on the fact that Lauri told her all about Vic’s “indiscrepancies” with a lot of men while she was married to Donn1. Gretch apparently learned English with Teresa Guidice. Anyway: Gretch found out all this but she kept her tongue, except with Heather but that doesn’t count because she was provoked with the wrath of Furry, because she’s gained so much perspective on the real things that matter because of Slade’s son Grayson’s health crisis. What? AND: for that reason, she feels only Slade matters and she wants to get married and have a baby and what does Mama Brenda think? Brenda thinks that’s just fine now that he has a job. Brenda has a perfectly hideous manicure going on – she is way too old for black glitter acrylic tips.