REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 6/17/13

Speaking of perspective and things that really matter, over at the Brown House Ryan is getting ready to leave to go back into Marine service. This is their last family dinner (for the week, I guess, because he will be coming back on weekends until he gets officially deployed in a few months) and Baby Troy looks just like him. He’s got ten years left in the Marines. Ten years! Yee gads! Vic rolls in dragging a huge roll of carpet (brown, naturally) and Ryan sort of moves to help her but in the end Vic just drops it and kicks it down the hall. This will be Ryan’s 5th tour in Afghanistan, and Vic now understands why he and Briana eloped – he had just gotten home safe, she had just gotten a clean bill of health post-surgery, and they were “in the moment”. Vic also has a greater appreciation for the sacrifices of our military men and women and their families, and will gladly support Briana while Ryan is deployed. Ryan says goodbye and drives off into the night in his very large truck. Godspeed, Ryan!

And now it’s time DANCE! Are you ready? Well let’s do it! Break it down! Jem knows how to throw a party: she hires a good party planner! And the planner knows Costco sells those pyramid-shaped heaters so she got a whole lotta them. Mr. Jem is wearing bright red pants and a fake mustache. Now I love a man in Nantucket reds, but bright red is not the same thing and I have concerns. Heather and Dr. Terry are picked up by Gretch and Shady Slade, and Gretch rented a costume for this occasion whereas Heather just put on something not black for a change. Dr. Terry decides to poke the bear by phoning up Donn2 and suggesting he come to the fiesta. Oh lawd. Meanwhile, Assy has collected Vic and these two singles are motoring along in their ratty fur jackets like a pair of Miss Daisys and Vic has NO IDEA Donn2 is about to pounce. Buckle up.

Everyone arrives all at once, like they got off a party bus, and the gang’s all here: Eddie, who knows how to salsa, arrives with Tammy, who looks like she was clawed by an ocelot on her way out. What would Simon say about THAT? Lauri and George, who looks thrilled, and he should be because now Shady Slade is filling Dr. Terry in on how he and George’s wife never actually went out on a date, they just fornicated in a closet on a playdate. Ever so klassy, that Slade. And it will get even better. Jem summons everyone to gather round and starts shouting instructions at the assembled that they must “get their juices flowing before they salsa”. Yee gods, no! Turns out she’s only talking about having a glass and a nibble, and Slade makes some crack about how Jem should be nicknamed “Cheeseburger” because she needs to eat one. Jem takes offense because Slade was whispering this remark to Gretch, and if he thinks it’s such a nice friendly comment he should make it directly to her, thank you. $5 for the douche jar for Slade.

Just then, with flawless timing, Donn2 arrives with a big bouquet of flowers to jump Vic. Is it just me, or does Vic seem totally freaked out to see him and not in a good way? Donn2 makes his rounds greeting him and her and theotherone, and makes a totally disingenuous apology to Tammy who isn’t buying a syllable of it but bites her tongue, before moving over to gossip with Lauri. Lauri, who seems to have all the shit on everyone, tells Tammy that her daughter is friends with a stripper-slash-porn star who is dating Donn2. What? WHAT? Where do we start with all the many, many things that are wrong with that? I am going to start with: what kind of girl is Lauri letting her daughter hang out with? Yeezus. Thank God Jem starts shrieking again and the dancing starts. Everyone has to rotate partners like a square dance and it’s terribly awkward. Tammy has to dance with Donn2. “What’s next?” she asks. “Jumbellino?” He does love to dance…

The dancing is mercifully brief and now we’re back to squabbling. Jem is still pissed about the cheeseburger snark and tells Slade so. Some people have gotten surgeries because of his crass remarks, you know. What man criticizes a woman’s appearance? Yeah! Gretch splits the hair into a million tiny ends and shrilly informs Jem that Slade never SAID Vic looked like Miss Piggy, he just REPEATED it. Oh, well that’s different. “I see who you are,” says Jem. “You take no ownership.” Accountability, that’s what it’s all about! Gretch is furious and says Jem doesn’t know the history and we’ve heard that excuse before, tonight even. My husband remarks that Vic does look like Miss Piggy and I shush him. Jem thinks Slade should spend less time checking her out and more focused on Malibu Beach Barbie. Jem is my name!

On the other side of the salsa hall (and where are they, anyway?) Assy and Tammy are chatting about their upcoming excursion to go wedding dress shopping, and as soon as Gretch gets wind of that she drops Jem like a cat drops a mouse when it sees catnip and goes to confront Tammy. How dare she invite someone of her own choosing on her own wedding dress shopping trip? Tammy tells Gretch she made peace with Assy and is fine with her being there. Well, it’s NOT fine with Gretch. So does Gretch want Tammy to disinvite her? No, Gretch will just pout and not go herself and be all hurt because its Gretchen Gretchen Gretchen! Motherhood is going to be awesome.

Next time: The Sisterhood of the Friendship Bracelet is breaking down, and Heather spills some dirt that Gretch was lyin’ about a show offer. Gasps all around. Oh, and Vic finds out about Donn2 and Lauri’s daughter’s porny friend and an emotional collapse follows. They don’t make a card for that. Adios, amigos!

Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/thislittlemama
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