And away we go! We haven’t been to the gym-in-progress for a while so let’s stop by, shall we, for a romantic dinner of takeout Greek food amidst the debris. Tammy shows up wearing a perfectly hideous white fur pelt over a wifebeater and doesn’t PETA lie in wait for situations like this? The gym installation is not yet complete, obviously, and their opening has been delayed weeks with no launch date in sight, grumble grumble. Tammy starts the casual chitchat by telling Eddie how easily he could pass for a gay man, followed by an explication of her inside joke with fellow mom-of-four Heather about how to camouflage mommy tummy. Eddie just blinks and changes the subject to Gretch and Assy, of all things. Tammy tells him she’s going wedding dress shopping and Gretch is having a tantrum about Assy being included; she thinks Gretch is being rude and Eddie thinks she’s being childish. Tammy’s handling it by refusing to return Gretch’s calls and texts, so there. That’ll learn her!
Morning dawns and Heather hops into a chauffeured Range Rover for the drive up to LA for another table read, this one for a show called “Malibu Country” which involves Reba McIntire and Lily Tomlin and I have never heard of it other than this. Heather phones up Dr. Terry on the ride and he demonstrates his inner Alan Alda by murmuring a steady stream of supportive and enthusiastic remarks, not a bad joke to be heard. Dr. Terry is officially out of the doghouse. After the table read, Heather is going to run a couple of errands (you know, swing by Walmart for Gold Bond and maxipads) and then meet up with the other girls for the wedding dress shopping excursion. “Not too much champs”, Dr. Terry warns. He knows his wife so well.
Over at the BarneyJudge residence, the odd couple of Vic and Lauri arrive together and they spend a few minutes chatting until Lydia can join them with her giant sparkly purse. Tammy is super excited about this shopping excursion because even though she’s been married twice before, she was knocked up both times. So she’s gonna do the whole big to-do thing but not be super traditional about it, which comes as no surprise to me, at least. The crew hops into the limo and heads off to collect Gretch, who is coming after all, and then meet Assy and Heather (who has not divulged her new theatrical opportunity) at the boutique. On the way Tammy asks Lydia about The Cheeseburger Incident and they all agree that Shady Slade is a total douchebag and also a 12-year-old girl. Lydia is infuriated by Slade’s refusal to take responsibility for anything. She’d last about five minutes in New Jersey.
When they arrive at Gretch’s Vic makes a nasty crack about all the crap festooning the lawn and I am sorry we didn’t get a better look at it but what do we expect? Gretch gets in and is the only limo occupant wearing a color not black, and is also wearing the big fat fake-looking ring she got from her late elderly fiance, Jeff. Vic is totally outraged by the temerity to wear such a bauble on Tammy’s big day, but nobody else seems to care and we all well know everything Vic and Gretch do enrages the other so it becomes a bit Charlie Brown’s teacher after a while. Lauri does some counting and determines that between the five of them in the limo they have had ten weddings already! Professionals!
Heather and Assy have already arrived and are getting along fine, perfectly happy to accept ridiculous flattery from the boutique owner. Assy is wearing a hideous brown fur jacket and carrying an orange Birkin. I do love an orange bag. There is lots of hugging and kissing and awkwardness for Gretch, the cheese who stands alone. Assy feels she has achieved the impossible and that her Making Amends World Tour is complete, and I think a pig just flew by the store window. Having decided she’s going to let her choice of dress determine the wedding setting, Tammy settles in to trying on gowns and I don’t know about this. She’s not getting married in a church in a dress that requires nipple covers, that’s for damn sure. There’s a lot of sparkle, a lot of tight, and a lot of boobies. The dresses are clearly very well made and flattering, in a Playboy bridal kollection sort of way, but you know how they say when you look in the mirror you should take one thing off? I feel like there’s a lot of stuff that needs to come off here.
As we move along Vic decides to take Assy aside and tell her what a bitch Gretch was being about her coming, and Assy wisely elects to leave Gretch to simmer in her own misery and carry on, although she does take a moment with Tammy in the dressing room to privately thank her for sticking up for her. Assy wishes Gretch would eat some of her Gretchen Christine Bootay spackle so she could be pretty on the inside. Shazam! Assy departs for her next event and hugs and kisses everyone, including Heather, but conspicuously not including Gretch who doesn’t even get up off the couch, the pisspants. Gretch claims she doesn’t like a friend challenging her friendship. Wah wah wah.