Now that that’s over, let’s change the subject to What Lauri Knows about Donn2, who may or may not be diddling a teenage porn whore, or he may just have taken her to Denny’s for Two Moons Over My Hammy, it’s not entirely clear. Vic shares that after the salsa party she and Donn2 went to dinner where they ended things for good. Tragic! It seems Donn’s love language is “quality time”, and he’s not getting any because of Briana the boner killer. And it’s not like Vic can bail on her own kid so that is that. Lauri suggests that perhaps Briana and Michael’s considerable “intuition” told them something was not right with Donn2. What are they, the twins from “Escape to Witch Mountain?” No, maybe they just heard rumors and stuff like Lauri did, which she’d like to share with Vic privately. Oh please, like that’s gonna happen.
Lauri lets the line keep running while Vic pulls; Vic claims not to be alarmed that Donn2 was seeing others because technically he was within his rights to do so, she just wasn’t going to do it herself. But she would love to know WHO he’s been seeing. A woman? A young woman? A very, very young woman? Who he met at a poker party when he was throwing Ben Franklins around? (Well, that’s no big deal because that’s just what one DOES at a poker party, says Vic. Oh.) Who he’s dating? Or “with”? Sexually? Or just companionship for a lonely old fart? What does it MEAN? Well, she calls Donn2 “Sugar Daddy”, Lauri reveals (let’s all roll our eyes in unison, shall we?) and later Lauri will show her a video. A PORN video. Which Donn2’s not in, thank Chaka Khan.
Now Vic’s apoplectic and Gretch thinks she’s gotten what she deserves after all her philandering, a big new word Gretch has clearly been practicing for her ITM. Vic was all philandering on Donn1, then philandering on Donn2 with “that guy in Cabo”. Wait, I thought Donn2 WAS “that guy in Cabo”. Seeing as Vic was still married to Donn1 at the time of the encounter with “that guy in Cabo” then that means she was philandering on BOTH Donns if Gretch is right. Karma’s a bitch, says she. And with that she’s off for a “speaking engagement”. Right.
Those who remain gather for a photo with Tammy in her dress and Vic wanders off behind the racks to lose her shit completely rather than be photographed. Lydia is very concerned about Vic’s emotional state and Lauri just wants to make sure she’s not in the shithouse for having stirred this all up. She whispers the teenage porn whore’s name in Vic’s ear and now it’s ON.
Off they go for a wrap-up dinner at the Border Grill, famously co-owned by Mary Sue Milliken and Susan Feniger, alumnae of another Bravo franchise, Top Chef Masters. Not only are they business partners, but Mary Sue married Susan’s ex-boyfriend or husband or whatever he was after Susan came out of the closet. And then she ate the placenta of their child together. Ohmiword. Vic takes a call outside and how much do you want to bet she was calling her PI to get him looking for that teenage porn whore? Maybe she should have made this call a good year ago, just saying. While she’s out, Lauri fills Heather and Tammy on what went on with the big Donn2 reveal (as these two were in the dressing room having a moment while that played out). Heather wants to know one simple question: did Vic really need to know Donn2 had a Grand Slam Breakfast with a teenage porn whore? Or could we have left this information alone? Lauri thinks she needed to know, but Heather disagrees and suspects Lauri is trying to hurt Vic on purpose. That Heather has some powerful intuition.
So as dinner rolls on Heather tells everyone her exciting news about her new recurring role on “Malibu Country”. And amazingly enough, it seems that when Gretch was snarking around about Assy’s potential attendance at the wedding dress shopping outing, she told Tammy that she’d been offered a part on the VERY SAME SHOW and if Assy came, she was going to go film it instead. Me or her, me or her! It seems Gretch told Heather the very same thing, so Heather asked the casting directors who said no, they in fact had never offered a part to Gretch. GASPS around the table and you know who’s most appalled by this is of course Vic, who shouts “she’s a liarface!” which is the single dumbest thing I have ever heard a grown woman say.
Heather makes an observation that the show only films on Fridays so either Gretch was confused or lying because today is THURSDAY. Lauri and Lydia think there must be some misunderstanding but Vic’s SURE she’s lying. Tammy feels betrayed for some mysterious reason. I can’t quite understand how it would come to pass that Gretch would even know about this show and the potential for any Housewife to have a role on it unless it somehow came up at least in vague discussion (or unless she was playing Me Too with Heather assuming Heather told Gretch she got this gig that she didn’t tell anyone else about, which seems unlikely), so it sounds to me like a case of counting unhatched, possibly fantasy chickens. But not a case of liarface per se.
Next time: Lydia takes the girls on a field trip to visit our neighbors to the north, Canada! Lauri’s gossip about Vic goes viral, and a confrontation on the slopes breaks out. Hey dere, hosers!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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