Let’s join Jem in her very regular-looking bathroom, as these things go, where a makeup artist is getting her all spackled up for a fashion show for “BHL”, otherwise known as “Beverly Hills Lifestyle”, the McLaughlin’s magazine. Assy arrives and lets herself in the front door to present Jem with a present: a Swarovski crystal encrusted pocket Bible for Jem to take as protection on the next Housewives field trip, a ski excursion to Oh Canada planned by Jem herself. Is this meant to be a reference to “The Exorcist”? Do evangelicals believe in exorcism? My dad found it terribly amusing when the diocese exorcist got assigned to be our parish priest. The identity of the exorcist was supposed to be a secret but someone leaked. Every time he’d get up to deliver the homily my dad would whisper to me “There’s the exorcist!” Anyway, Assy got herself one, too, because she’s on this trip! Back in with the mean girls! “Bling and The Word,” approves Jem. That and your granny panties and you’re ready to roll, girls.
Elsewhere, Heather is meeting Tammy at a boutique to shop for more black stuff. Is it just me or is Heather wearing more and more makeup with every episode? Tammy doesn’t know what to bring on this excursion because she hates cold, and observes there are more people in Orange County than in all of Canada for a reason. Is that true? Anyway. Heather is basically going there and coming right back because of her new role on “Malibu Country”. Tammy doesn’t understand why she’s bothering but Heather wants to “support Lydia”. I don’t think she needs it but whatever. Talk turns to Lauri, who is also coming on this trip, surprise surprise. Heather thinks she likes her, buuuuuut….. Tammy tells Heather than Lauri’s been gossiping about Vic having had a threesome with Gretch. Heather reveals she actually knew this because Gretch told her. Tammy can’t believe any of this is true because Vic is just not into ladybits and we’ll leave it at that. She thinks she should tell Vic, but Heather thinks the whole sordid subject is best left alone, like a dead cat on the table. No one will speak of at dinner, but then when everyone disperses there’s a whole lotta whispering – “did you see that? There was a dead cat on the table!”
Funny ha ha scenes of everyone packing. Gretch is doing her usual “help me, Slade!” aspiring Lucille Ball packing shtick. She’s not going to snowboard because she might break a hip and that would mess up the babymaking! You fool. You elderly, decrepit fool. She’s acquired a big fur hat and corresponding white one-piece from the Ivana Trump Kollection by Marla Maples, because she likes to wear costumes! Assy, meanwhile, is having help from her assistant and has gotten a pair of ski gloves with a big fake ring on the left one. I have a pair of dish gloves like that. Vic, who is the self-proclaimed driver of The Fun Bus, is bringing a sparkly nude stretch of fabric that Briana can’t believe is intended as a top, and also a fur hat that looks pubic. Briana is aghast, and so am I.
Away we go! Heather’s going for all of six hours so she has the least luggage. Good grief, girl – I would pay for the chance to stay home for six hours. Jem’s got her curtain of hair all flatironed and is bringing that sparkly petless travel tote again. Assy’s all pink-and-white like a virgin. In the chubby bus fueled by champs, Heather reveals the reason behind the brevity of her visit to our neighbors to the north: she’s got a big new job on “Malibu Country”! Which, she’ll have Gretch know, is NOT the part that Gretch was NOT really actually offered. Gretch still thinks she declined something that was not offered to her, so she’s confused. I think she should be confused by Heather’s determination to deflate her ego on this subject because it’s a little unnecessary. But guess what? You know who else was not really offered the part Gretch wasn’t really offered? That’s right, big girl Assy! Ermagherd, roll Heather’s eyes. It’s Fox5 all over again, indeed.
We arrive at the Four Seasons Whistler and what I wouldn’t give to be on this vacation. I can’t say I’ve had a burning need to be a freeloader on any others but this one? Please take me. Gretch is now wearing a fur cape and a Marianne Faithfull hat over her WKRP wig, all incognito and stuff. They all head off to their rooms to “freshen up” before joining Jem in her fabulous suite, and guess who else is there? Jem’s uncle Greg! Uncle Greg is young, attractive, Canadian, and adventurous, which is why Jem invited him. Also he brought mace. The other Housewives begin to storm the suite in search of wine and Gre looks alarmed, but Jem assures him that she’s got this. Jem is my name!
Didn’t understand the Uncle Greg part! What was he doing there?