Tammy is troubled by the threesome story and watches as an unsuspecting Vic socializes with that minx Lauri. Gretch attempts to start a conversation with the frightened Uncle Gary by saying “So, you know a lot about Canada?” Um, yes! There’s bacon, and hockey, and hosers! Someone points out that both Greg and Vic are single. Jem does not like the sounds of that, but thankfully it appears Uncle Greg doesn’t either. Awkward silence descends before Heather announces that it’s now time for her to return to LA. What a waste of fossil fuels.
The next day, they gather at the very late start time of 10 a.m. to watch the ski concierge scrabble around and gather equipment. Jem only snowboards, she sniffs, because she’s a modern sort of Suzy Chapstick, and has done it two times already! Tammy hasn’t skied in 10 years and it sounds like that didn’t amount to much because she’s slightly terrified, and so is Assy. Vic, on the other hand, was on the ski team! She’s a pro! Off go Vic, Tammy, and Jem in gondola #1 where Vic muses on how well things are going. Time for Tammy to nip that in the bud!
Speaking of, in gondola #2 Lauri and Gretch start talking about Vic’s threesome again. Assy is bewildered and befuddled. Vic in a threesome? Lauri is quick, and late, to hedge her previous assertions with the caution that she doesn’t actually know what the threesome was doing. She just assumes it was the dirty and is spreading the poop accordingly. I think Lauri has just realized The Fun Bus is on its way to flatten her like a pancake, because she laments that she should have known better than to divulge a Vic secret and really ought to get to Vic first. Too late now! Gretch assures her that she didn’t say anything to Vic herself. Obviously. She just told everybody else!
Ski footage reveals that Lauri is a solid intermediate, and Vic’s claims to have been on the ski team are pure imagination. Assy ends up head-down in a tree well. So long, Assy! While Vic and Tammy wait for their ski instructor to haul Assy out, Tammy decides it’s time to tell Vic about the threesome rumor Gretch and Lauri are spreading. Vic is astounded. “Does she want me to open the can of whoopass?” she asks incredulously. Since rumor has it that Lauri has stepped out on George since their fairytale made-for-tv marriage a few years back, and that Vic knows all about it and hasn’t hesitated to share, this can of whoopass could be a big one. “Lauri should be in the dirty pool somewhere else!” Tammy thinks Vic should go to Gretch about this. Like that’s going to happen.
Speaking off, here schusses up Ivanka Rossi, and a livid Vic lets her HAVE IT while Tammy stands idly by watching the wheels roll away down the bunny hill. Gretch thinks she’s on the right side of God because of all the Hypocrisy. Vic acknowledges that she was unfaithful to Donn1 during their marriage, and so was he, partly because they separated twice. Gretch is smugly satisfied to hear this admission, and announces that all Lauri was trying to do was make her feel better about the Hypocrisy, by throwing Vic under the bulldozer, and all Gretch did was repeat it, several times, to anyone who would listen when a camera was rolling. That’s all! And it was fair because both Vic and Tammy accused Gretch of cheating on elderly dying Jeff!
Assy is finally dug out and materializes like WTF while Bicker and Snipe go at it. Tammy shrugs. Vic announces that she has lots of crap on Lauri and she better watch out – it’s “not cool” to talk shit the first time she’s been back on the show in years, and as we all know from the 100th episode it’s Vic’s Show Now. Speaking of, here comes Lauri and Vic unspools about never having had multiple partners, at least not at once. Lauri coolly informs her that the incident in question happened in New Orleans, and Vic now knows exactly what she is talking about – a time she was fully dressed on a bed with her sister and someone else watching a movie. Jem is here now and can’t believe this is happening in the wild open ski public. It was your idea, Jem!
Vic’s done and storms off, shouting that Lauri is not welcome at dinner. Hey, isn’t Jem in charge here? I am reminded of the time I was skiing at Vail and on one side of the lift line was a former high school classmate who had clearly come to inhabit The Land of the Bunnies since our graduation; in the Singles was an unmedicated Ronald McDonald wearing shrunken vintage ski pants and sweater, and on very short skis (the pre-parabolic era, obviously) shouting profanities and frightening children. His big red head was practically spinning on his shoulders, and so is Vic’s. Lauri seems tired of all this talking big she’s been doing; she’s backtracking now, insisting that she didn’t SAY it was a threesome, she just INSINUATED it was and it’s all Gretch’s fault. Tammy thinks Gretch and Lauri better get the hell out of Canada before Vic kicks their bony butts all the way to Florida. Jem points out to Gretch that she’s in the wrong for having gone around telling everyone, and Gretch bites her head off. Not me! Never me! Vic continues to shriek off on the horizon.
Next time: it doesn’t look like Gretch and Lauri leave after all, and they all go snowmobiling and have to take a potty break. Gretch is mad at Heather now, and Vic’s growing fangs. See ya, hosers!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
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Didn’t understand the Uncle Greg part! What was he doing there?