We resume with the Gretchen/Assy crisis. No sign of the bird. Mr. Andy starts up by asking Assy to start her litany of complaints at the bunco party. A whole discussion ensues reliving Assy’s insistence that she heard everything being discussed at the neighboring table about her upcoming sinus surgery/nose job… except of course the critical fact that Dr. Terry was just talking in general and didn’t know they were talking about Assy, whom he’d only just met. Assy continues to insist they are all wrong and Gretch didn’t defend her enough, meanwhile Assy didn’t defend Gretch at all when Vic was up in her stuff about the MPM. BLUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH. Please tell me I have more wine.
Next, moving on to Fox5, and whether they asked Gretch out first or not. Assy explains that originally the two of them were asked on a double date to talk about makeup and fashion, but then because she responded faster they asked Assy to keep hooking up for a weekly style segment and she said yes! So that means they really wanted her! But WAIT: Gretch has the emails to prove that she, the egg, came first. And she’s brought printed copies, which she hands to Mr. Andy, dated June 2 in which the Magical Penis corresponds with the producer about a weekly style segment. No one ever addresses the fact that this discussed segment never came to pass, but somehow Assy ended up doing it and insists the producers told her she was the only girl for them, while Gretch continues to insist they were booty calling her on the side. Assy tells Gretch she is just jealous, mean, and spiteful, and gets her own printed email that says “Assy is the only girl for us. Really.” And now Fox5 has broken up with both of them. Where’s the damn bird?
Is it just me, or does it not feel like we’re just going through the motions and wrapping up the last loose ends of Alexis Bellino? Mr. Andy doesn’t seem to have any interest in encouraging either resolution or further conflict, or in defending or encouraging her in any way. I don’t know – it just seems like she’s getting the Alex McCord treatment – a shrug of the shoulders and a “whatevs”, and we’re done here.
Donn2
First, a point of clarification: despite what Briana said during the season, Donn2 does not have four kids with three babymamas, has has four kids with one ex-wife and one babymama. Well, thank God. So why does Donn2 seem so contrived? It’s because he’s Southern, Mr. Andy; they are deep-rooted, affirmatory people. Which means they like cards and like to repeat the insides. Mr. Andy asks Tammy Sue what she’s worried is going to happen to Vic. Tammy answers that she is worried Vic is going to be taken advantage of. Financially? Vic insists all her stuff’s in a lockbox and Donn2 can’t get in. But how about emotionally? HMMM? Tammy tells Mr. Andy that she finds it suspicious that Donn2 keeps referring to all these things like “affirmation” that are Vic’s known triggers, and that she thinks he studied the show. Donn2 insists he didn’t even know Vic was on the show when they met, which could be technically correct as they have known each other for quite a long time and their acquaintance may have predated the show, and is basically otherwise really sort of hard to believe since camera crews follow her wherever she goes including on trips to numerous conferences they both supposedly attended as business acquaintances. There’s discussion about the eye roll/evil eye deal, which is when Tammy tells Donn2 to take off the skirt.
Heather pipes up that she thought Donn2 was a bit rude and aggressive at the party, which Donn2 agrees he may have been. Mr. Andy asks Vic if she’s able to look objectively at the situation and see what concerns her friends, and she says she just doesn’t care because she’s with her “best friend” for the first time in her long, sad love life. “How can you respect a man who leaves his family?” shouts Tammy Sue. “I am home every two weeks,” insists Donn2. “You weren’t even divorced yet and were in the bathtub so get off her and him,” says our grammatically-challenged Assy. “Shut up, dingbat,” retorts Tammy Sue. Donn2 delivers the last word: “Getting relationship advice from you is like getting financial advice from someone who is bankrupt, which I’ve never been.” Oh, snap! And guess what? Tammy Sue and Gretch roll their eyes! ShaZAM!
Donn2 leaves the stage (because he refuses to appear with Briana, which we’ll get to) and a short yawn about Gretch and the Magical Penis fills the transition. The only interesting thing about this is that Gretch doesn’t pay him for his managerial services. Hmmm. So instead of getting paid he’s basically getting kept. If I was the babymama to whom he is so indebted I’d be pretty irate too.
OK: back to business, which is the whole Donn2 issue. Before Briana comes out the discussion about Gretch and Slade’s issues somehow becomes a discussion of Vic, again, in which Vic, again, accuses everyone of just not wanting her to be happy. Tammy insists she wants nothing more than that. Just not with Donn2.
Briana
So then Briana comes out, and yes she’s pregnant, so Mr. Andy tells Vic she’s going to be a GILF! UGH howl both couches. I would like Mr. Andy to know that thanks to the RHOC I am pretty sure no one wants to F anyone’s M, let alone G, ever.